woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
