Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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