Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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