I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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