I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
