I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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