Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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