Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize