I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
