A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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