In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
