I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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