i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
