You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
