im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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