if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
