i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize