When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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