who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
