It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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