we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
