Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
