I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
