Define "chronic" masturbator.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize