Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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