Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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