you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
