Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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