I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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