she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i drank out of a bidet.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
