It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they're like a gay fantastic four
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
