No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
