I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
