I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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