Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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