I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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