i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
