So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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