I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My dick has a subreddit
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
