Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
