All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
