Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
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