I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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