Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
