My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
