I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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