all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize