Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
