Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
