We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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