just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Buhtt sex?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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