I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
